letting go

Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong.
I think it's letting go...

Some journeys end precisely where a new one begins.

Random thoughts ...

The first few random thoughts for today in 10 minutes...

1. God is good...all the time.
2. It's those you love the most that hurt you the most.
3. Even if it's just a square dance....nothing good comes out of having a bad partner.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say or don't say it at all.
5. Honesty truly is the best policy.
6. If it seems to good to be true.....close your eyes, take a deep breath and savor the moment. Don't worry that it could end.
7. A good hug is better than chocolate. A good hug is better than almost anything
8. Being able to laugh with someone is as important as being able to trust them.
9. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
10. Sometimes silence hurts more than words.
11. Dreams are saved up wishes put into action.
12. The greatest things in life are not things.
13. Sometimes a really good cry is needed.
14. Give those you love your best and their best will come back to you.
15. It's been a long time since I have laughed so much my belly hurt. I'd forgotten how good it feels.
16 Being all wrapped up in the arms of the person you love feels like it's just supposed to be that way. It's that simple.

Day 97

And so.... Day97 or whatever it is now and I'm still facing the same prospect I faced at day 50 and day 25 and day 1...letting go. I know it's the right thing but...who would ever think it would be so hard? I miss her. Some days...I just miss her like crazy. Hilary says it isn't her so much that I miss but the closeness we shared. That there wasn't all bad times. Why is it that it's all I can remember? Yet...I still miss her.

I wonder what she's doing now. Who she spends her time with. Is she the same or different? Is she controlling of them the way she was with me? Does she still think she is a victim? Is she sorry?

Andy says I have to let go. I know he's right. I just wish it was easy

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I have lost my best friend.....

and then I realized I have.

And then I wonder...when I really lost her.

Feeling like I lost my best friend

I can't believe I did it. I'm so angry I just hate myself for doing it. I read every post. Everyone that FB would let me read. I was mentioned a lot. It angers me beyond all belief that SHE is in pain. That she feels like a victim. She feels like she gave her all to meet an unfortunate end. Are you kidding me? I wonder if I ever saw her best.

I'm so angry I want to scream but more than anything else I am so incredibly sad.

When I call Andy its not the same. I feel like I am annoying him. He says I'm not but I know that I am and I'm not sure why. If I call he'll call me back "Did you call?' Oh sorry. Sorry to bug you...

I feel lost. I still feel like I've lost my best friend b/c you know why...I did. That still really hurts. It hurts a lot

Starting Over

Three months later.....Three months later and I still miss her. I'm not sure what I miss. I shouldn't say that I miss her as much as I miss having someone that I felt comfortable telling all my everything's to. I never knew it would later be used against me. At the time and many times still I think how nice it was to be able to pick up the phone and talk about whatever was on my mind. Those days are gone now and there is a very big void there now. She knew me well and all my little quirks. She used that against me. She also used that to challenge me. She also made me feel good sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if she misses me. Many times I wonder if she is remorseful. All the time I wonder what in the world was going on in her head.

I miss her boys.

Sometimes I just really miss having a best friend. A best girlfriend who I shared so much with. I wish it didn't end this way. I wish I didn't hate her so much. I wish I could forgive her. I wish I could stop thinking of her. I wish it didn't cause me pain to. I wish it was different. I wish I could tell her about Andy and I wish she could be happy for me. I wish I could go out to dinner with her and tell her about Andy and how wonderful he is and how much he means to me and how much I love him and have her be genuinely happy for me. I wish I didn't have to lose my best friend. I wish I wasn't betrayed. I wish more than anything....it didn't leave me scarred. I wonder what will become of me now.Will I come out of this stronger? Will it leave me broken? Will I heal? Will I forever think of her? Will I be free?