Maybe

Do I have to forgive to forget? I am trying so hard not to read her facebook wall. What I am searching for can never be found there. I'm not going to find an apology on facebook. I'm not going to find an explanation on facebook. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe there isn't an explanation for how she treated me. Maybe I just will never know. Maybe I just will never and yet....sometimes I still think of her. I just want the chance to have a voice to the hurt and pain she caused. I have to live with the fact that I just might never get that chance and that has got to be enough.

letting go

Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong.
I think it's letting go...

Some journeys end precisely where a new one begins.

Random thoughts ...

The first few random thoughts for today in 10 minutes...

1. God is good...all the time.
2. It's those you love the most that hurt you the most.
3. Even if it's just a square dance....nothing good comes out of having a bad partner.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say or don't say it at all.
5. Honesty truly is the best policy.
6. If it seems to good to be true.....close your eyes, take a deep breath and savor the moment. Don't worry that it could end.
7. A good hug is better than chocolate. A good hug is better than almost anything
8. Being able to laugh with someone is as important as being able to trust them.
9. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
10. Sometimes silence hurts more than words.
11. Dreams are saved up wishes put into action.
12. The greatest things in life are not things.
13. Sometimes a really good cry is needed.
14. Give those you love your best and their best will come back to you.
15. It's been a long time since I have laughed so much my belly hurt. I'd forgotten how good it feels.
16 Being all wrapped up in the arms of the person you love feels like it's just supposed to be that way. It's that simple.

Day 97

And so.... Day97 or whatever it is now and I'm still facing the same prospect I faced at day 50 and day 25 and day 1...letting go. I know it's the right thing but...who would ever think it would be so hard? I miss her. Some days...I just miss her like crazy. Hilary says it isn't her so much that I miss but the closeness we shared. That there wasn't all bad times. Why is it that it's all I can remember? Yet...I still miss her.

I wonder what she's doing now. Who she spends her time with. Is she the same or different? Is she controlling of them the way she was with me? Does she still think she is a victim? Is she sorry?

Andy says I have to let go. I know he's right. I just wish it was easy

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I have lost my best friend.....

and then I realized I have.

And then I wonder...when I really lost her.

Feeling like I lost my best friend

I can't believe I did it. I'm so angry I just hate myself for doing it. I read every post. Everyone that FB would let me read. I was mentioned a lot. It angers me beyond all belief that SHE is in pain. That she feels like a victim. She feels like she gave her all to meet an unfortunate end. Are you kidding me? I wonder if I ever saw her best.

I'm so angry I want to scream but more than anything else I am so incredibly sad.

When I call Andy its not the same. I feel like I am annoying him. He says I'm not but I know that I am and I'm not sure why. If I call he'll call me back "Did you call?' Oh sorry. Sorry to bug you...

I feel lost. I still feel like I've lost my best friend b/c you know why...I did. That still really hurts. It hurts a lot